Old Time Stinger

Here I was, surfing the net, as usual.. checking FB and emails till all of a sudden, a chat message from FB. "Hi!" Oh yeah... an old time stinger. The very first one!

Mixed emotions. Was trying hard to hide it but the memories just keeps on poking me. I hated it! Tried to be cool and I think I did a great job but it stings inside. The usual chit-chats, catching up... But deep inside, so many questions... "Why?" So many stories to tell, but don't know where to start.

FB at first till he asked if we can talk at YM instead. Oh hell... this is not good! My bestfriend would know that when it comes to this old time stinger, I could melt as quick as an ice thrown in a flare.

My thoughts: "Technically speaking, the book hasn't ended yet." But as one of my friends said, "when you got married, that's where you close all the books and start a new title that starts with 'Volume 1'."

Is it?

Goosebumps all over. Can't stop thinking about it the whole day. "This is not good. I need some internalization, quick!" And so I did. Thanks to Varien who kept me sane atleast before the day ended. Thanks for the recent pictures that was posted. It helped me a lot!

And of course, after an internalization, there's a conclusion. And here it goes:

I, therefore, conclude that I always get stung by this first old time stinger is because the book has no ending. No closure. Just like our all time favorite book, "Choose Your Own Adventure." Full of open ended questions with no answers.

Recommendation? Well, I couldn't possibly recommend something for myself. I still ain't a nut-case, blabbing about this if I know what to do! Having said all these, I needed yours..

You see, I am the type of person who wants answers. I would die for answers especially pertaining to my personal life. I couldn't just let go without knowing eventhough it will hurt. I just need to. I feel like I couldn't move the whole of me forward till I know everything.

Have I moved on?

Obviously not. No. Not this part. Oh how I wish I could just talk to him and ask him straight-up. But I can't. Not that time. If I did, I will surely scare him away and will never be able to know. Maybe in time. It's been 14 years and counting...

Do I still love him?

No. But everytime he suddenly appears from nowhere, my world goes back when we were happily together. My hypothalamus is being ticked by the old happy memories. Happy memories that never ended.

Oh yes, am the ever famous "KWEEZ FOOL" Full of love, and full of hope. You see, eventhough he was gone, I never stopped wondering and hoping. We never got tired from each other and there was no fight to look back and start hating each other. It's not like that. It's not that simple. And everytime I think of him, it's all good memories. And oh... how his friends took effort to let me understand why he has to leave.

His sister once told me that's it's me who he is still inlove with. Hated those times when he tries to come back to me. I cried inside "oh, please help me be strong." I needed distractions...

I believe in the saying "Things happen for a reason." Whatever reason it maybe, I pray that it's for the betterment of each other. If it is to know the answers to all my questions, I'd be happier! And if his sudden appear is a test of my loyalty and faithfulness to my loving husband, I'm surely going to ace it! I've pledged my love to the only person who is always there for me; Who sees me as who I am. And nothing can top that. Not even this old time stinger can ruin my marriage.

I just needed answers. Confuse me with the truth but I stand where I stand. And yes, I can handle the truth.